Storegate: Apple’s new keep spells doom


Apple opened a flagship save and, as with any portents, it can only suggest the employer is on a downward spiral the likes of which has now not been visible for two thousand years.

Yeah, someone definitely wrote that.

Writing for Newsweek, Alexander Nazaryan says “San Francisco’s New Apple keep shows Little ’assume different’ Spirit.” (Tip o’ the antlers to invoice merchant.)

once more, thank bog we’ve got pundits round to remind Apple what their values were in the course of its renaissance due to the fact seemingly the individuals who had been there on the time and helped create that atmosphere have no concept.

The Macalope says “thank bathroom” in place of “God” because bog is one of the vintage Ones, an historical demon god that follows people around shouting their phrases returned at them out of context for all eternity and is without a doubt the only being that might be responsible for this ridiculousness.

coming into the new Apple keep in San Francisco’s Union square, I felt as though I’d came upon a few distant outpost of the late Roman Empire, a crumbling fort inside the Welsh countryside that reminds of glories past, however also of the passing of all glories.

analyzing this the Macalope felt like he stumbled upon a internet site entitled records Majors long gone Wild. clearly constructing a dramatic retail store is emblematic of a trouble with Apple in that it is focused on developing the symbols of empire as opposed to attending to the device that creates and helps empire constructing. actually due to the fact they by no means built a unmarried solitary dramatic retail store for the duration of their upward push. this is how we recognize this.

within the remaining yr, Apple’s invasion of China has been slow, and prefer Alexander the first rate…

[Angrily brandishes mortar board] “I’VE got A LIBERAL ARTS degree! DON’T COME close to ME! I’LL USE IT!”

As went Rome and Constantinople, so have to go Cupertino.


although, this beginning marks an critical occasion for all who’ve bitten the cute fruit of Wozniak and Jobs.

Overly Florid is the name of Nazaryan’s emo rock band.

Foster + companions designed the space, which proclaims wealth and status a long way removed from the company’s “suppose distinct” technology.

Uh, yeah, probably due to the fact that they had neither once they ran the “think extraordinary” campaign.

right here’s the aspect about this: while iPhone sales did drop yr-over-yr within the most recent zone and probably will do the equal within the current zone, Apple continues to be crazy worthwhile. Nero fiddled whilst Rome burned, no longer whilst it made $10.5 billion in income.

For all of the speak of community and creativity, the income purpose is what virtually counts right here.

Nazaryan is greatly surprised—greatly surprised!—to locate there may be capitalism occurring here!

similar to Boy Genius file, Newsweek seems to have settled on “So, we ought to cover this shop establishing but no one stated we couldn’t cowl it like a sullen 12-year-vintage being forced to visit his little brother’s Elmo-themed party.” additionally, at the same time as we’re save-shaming, let’s just throw some random technology-shaming in, too.

There’s something alas ironic approximately Apple trying to create “community,” given that its gadgets have so correctly atomized humans, leaving them on my own and sleepless, ever alert for the iPhone’s considered necessary ping.

certain. due to the fact those pings are coming from nowhere. They’re now not coming from friends on-line, honestly! No, that’s not a thing that happens! The only pings you obtain in your telephone come from video games which might be the downfall of society, some type of self-aggrandizement engine i have imagined exists and Beelzebub himself.

The continual recognition of Samsung? The upward thrust of digital reality? the arrival of wearables? those were remote issues.

possibly due to the fact these are not in any way actual issues for Apple. Apple continues to take maximum of the earnings within the phone marketplace, virtual reality is still a while from simply taking off (and Apple is reportedly working on their own VR era) and the Apple Watch is the nice-promoting smartwatch available on the market.

Apple does have troubles. Making a nice store isn’t one in every of them.